1
00:00:01,263 --> 00:00:03,898
Playa del toro, Сalifornia...

2
00:00:03,899 --> 00:00:07,635
A sun-kissed playground
of crystal-clear waters,

3
00:00:07,636 --> 00:00:10,271
sandy beaches,
and rolling surf.

4
00:00:10,347 --> 00:00:11,447
A paradise on...

5
00:00:11,448 --> 00:00:12,615
hurry it up, man.

6
00:00:12,616 --> 00:00:15,551
Other dudes gotta use
the wall, too.

7
00:00:22,659 --> 00:00:24,393
Ugh, talk about the crack
of dawn.

8
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:27,797
Are you just getting home?

9
00:00:28,832 --> 00:00:30,833
You smell like old spice
and balls.

10
00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:33,302
I was just getting a feel
for our new town.

11
00:00:33,303 --> 00:00:35,504
I met a lot
of potential uncles for ya.

12
00:00:35,505 --> 00:00:36,505
Ugh.

13
00:00:36,506 --> 00:00:37,873
We've been here three days,

14
00:00:37,874 --> 00:00:39,442
and you haven't even been
to the beach yet.

15
00:00:39,443 --> 00:00:41,010
Mom, I don't fit in here.

16
00:00:41,011 --> 00:00:42,545
Even the bums are ripped.

17
00:00:44,514 --> 00:00:46,882
Face it, in a world
full of kardashians,

18
00:00:46,883 --> 00:00:47,917
I'm the khloe.

19
00:00:47,918 --> 00:00:49,885
Honey, you're just unique.

20
00:00:49,886 --> 00:00:54,190
This town has never seen
anybody like Mondo Brando.

21
00:00:54,191 --> 00:00:55,825
Mom, I can't breathe.

22
00:00:55,826 --> 00:00:57,693
Here, to get you started,

23
00:00:57,694 --> 00:01:01,063
I made you
a California preparedness kit.

24
00:01:01,064 --> 00:01:03,065
Boogie board, spray tanner,

25
00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:05,401
season one of <i>Laguna Beach...</i>

26
00:01:05,402 --> 00:01:06,535
A rubber pickle?

27
00:01:06,536 --> 00:01:07,603
Oops.

28
00:01:07,678 --> 00:01:08,778
That's mine.

29
00:01:08,779 --> 00:01:10,613
What, mommy can't have
a kit, too?

30
00:01:35,172 --> 00:01:38,141
Mondo, do not waste
your last days before school

31
00:01:38,142 --> 00:01:39,375
playing a video game.

32
00:01:39,376 --> 00:01:41,211
- But I'm good at this.
- Oh, look.

33
00:01:41,227 --> 00:01:42,594
It's little Mondo.

34
00:01:42,766 --> 00:01:44,266
I had to use
a pregnant woman's body

35
00:01:44,267 --> 00:01:47,336
and put in the secret code
to unlock Justin Bieber's head.

36
00:01:47,337 --> 00:01:49,805
Look, Munchkin,
I know it's hard.

37
00:01:49,806 --> 00:01:51,740
But you know what?
Our lives are here now.

38
00:01:51,741 --> 00:01:52,942
We're not going back
to New Jersey.

39
00:01:52,943 --> 00:01:54,143
Crap.

40
00:01:54,144 --> 00:01:55,878
I don't wanna be late
for my first day.

41
00:01:55,879 --> 00:01:57,246
Farewell, Bayonne.

44
00:02:07,991 --> 00:02:09,925
- Mom, are you okay?
- Ugh.

45
00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:11,660
- Who are you?
- I'm Woodie.

46
00:02:11,661 --> 00:02:13,529
Why are you in my bathroom?

47
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:17,133
Oh, I was getting my frisbee.

48
00:02:17,134 --> 00:02:20,169
So, Woodie, how old are you?
About, um, 15?

49
00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:21,370
- Yeah.
- Me, too!

50
00:02:21,371 --> 00:02:22,771
Mondo, get Woodie some ice.

51
00:02:22,772 --> 00:02:24,874
His forehead looks
a little swollen.

52
00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:26,342
Swollen.

53
00:02:26,343 --> 00:02:28,811
Okay, Woodie, I know what
you were doing up there.

54
00:02:28,812 --> 00:02:30,746
It's all right.
I don't mind.

55
00:02:30,747 --> 00:02:34,183
But I was wondering if you
would do me a little favor.

56
00:02:34,184 --> 00:02:35,985
Oh, anything for you,
Mondo's mom.

57
00:02:35,986 --> 00:02:37,520
Call me babs.

58
00:02:37,521 --> 00:02:39,522
I was hoping that you'd show
Mondo the ropes around here.

59
00:02:39,523 --> 00:02:40,723
You know, help him fit in.

60
00:02:40,724 --> 00:02:43,125
For sure... Babs.

61
00:02:43,126 --> 00:02:44,426
This oughta help
with the swelling.

62
00:02:44,427 --> 00:02:46,362
Thanks.
Ahhhh.

63
00:02:46,363 --> 00:02:48,097
- Yankees or Dodgers?
- Surfing.

64
00:02:48,098 --> 00:02:49,598
- Pizza or burgers?
- Burritos.

65
00:02:49,599 --> 00:02:50,666
Mmm.

66
00:02:50,667 --> 00:02:52,434
Okay, last one.
Think it through.

67
00:02:52,435 --> 00:02:53,669
<i>The hills</i> or <i>the city?</i>

68
00:02:53,670 --> 00:02:55,704
Neither.
I don't have a vagina.

69
00:02:55,705 --> 00:02:56,906
Right answer!

70
00:02:56,907 --> 00:02:58,240
Let's do our back.

71
00:02:58,241 --> 00:03:00,743
To the window, hurry!

72
00:03:00,744 --> 00:03:02,478
They're about to tan
their backs,

73
00:03:02,479 --> 00:03:05,080
but they don't want tan lines.

74
00:03:05,081 --> 00:03:06,849
Which means they must unhook
their straps,

75
00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:08,784
and for one brief,
but glorious moment,

76
00:03:08,785 --> 00:03:09,818
you can see...

77
00:03:09,819 --> 00:03:11,921
Nipple.

78
00:03:11,922 --> 00:03:13,923
I saw it! Oh, my god!
I saw it!

79
00:03:13,924 --> 00:03:15,457
You're a genius!

80
00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:18,527
I call this moment
the Aurora Areolas.

81
00:03:18,528 --> 00:03:21,197
Teach me more, Woodie.
Teach me more!

82
00:03:21,198 --> 00:03:22,598
This is the strand,

83
00:03:22,599 --> 00:03:23,866
pretty much all the usual stuff

84
00:03:23,867 --> 00:03:26,001
you'd find in any town
across America.

85
00:03:26,002 --> 00:03:28,504
Tattoo shop, surf shop,
weed shop,

86
00:03:28,505 --> 00:03:29,572
celebrity rehab...

87
00:03:29,573 --> 00:03:31,507
- Lindsay.
- Paris.

88
00:03:31,508 --> 00:03:33,609
Have you ever been
to any other town in America?

89
00:03:33,610 --> 00:03:34,810
No, why?

90
00:03:34,811 --> 00:03:36,712
- No reason.
- Three for ten dollar!

91
00:03:36,713 --> 00:03:38,047
Open for beezness!

92
00:03:38,048 --> 00:03:39,882
Arrow point down to anus
is funny!

93
00:03:39,883 --> 00:03:42,251
People know it's joke.
You not get tushy love.

94
00:03:42,252 --> 00:03:43,852
But if you do...

95
00:03:43,853 --> 00:03:46,388
The boardwalk's like
a great big melting pot.

96
00:03:46,389 --> 00:03:47,823
Emphasis on the pot.

97
00:03:47,824 --> 00:03:49,925
Hippie drummers,
street performers,

98
00:03:49,926 --> 00:03:51,727
righteous dudes in vans.

99
00:03:56,826 --> 00:03:58,093
And here it is,

100
00:03:58,094 --> 00:03:59,360
the center of it all,

101
00:03:59,361 --> 00:04:01,996
the natural force
that sustains life

102
00:04:01,997 --> 00:04:03,731
and draws us all together,

103
00:04:03,732 --> 00:04:05,433
the beach.

104
00:04:07,470 --> 00:04:08,770
What's up?

105
00:04:08,771 --> 00:04:10,371
In case you haven't noticed,

106
00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:12,474
my stomach's more of a keg
than a six-pack.

107
00:04:12,475 --> 00:04:14,509
I haven't seen my penis
since I was six.

108
00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:15,944
The only thing holding you back

109
00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:17,812
is a lack of surfing
in your diet.

110
00:04:17,813 --> 00:04:20,381
And maybe that sweet set
of chesticles you got there.

111
00:04:20,382 --> 00:04:21,583
You kidding me, man?

112
00:04:21,584 --> 00:04:24,385
Girls totally relate
to a dude with boobs.

113
00:04:24,386 --> 00:04:25,553
It's familiar to them.

114
00:04:25,554 --> 00:04:27,589
It has a calming effect.

115
00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:31,626
Who is <i>that?</i>

116
00:04:31,627 --> 00:04:34,145
That's Jeena.

117
00:04:34,163 --> 00:04:35,763
Jeeeenaaaa.

118
00:04:46,008 --> 00:04:47,342
Go introduce yourself.

119
00:04:47,343 --> 00:04:48,743
She's very approachable.

120
00:04:48,744 --> 00:04:50,745
I'm gonna do it.

121
00:04:50,746 --> 00:04:52,046
Ow!

122
00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:53,715
I'm good. I'm okay.
Oof!

123
00:04:55,184 --> 00:04:58,486
That ain't no situation.
That's a damn tragedy.

124
00:04:59,655 --> 00:05:01,256
What happened?

125
00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,690
I put 17 months
into this place,

126
00:05:02,691 --> 00:05:04,025
and what do they give me?

127
00:05:04,026 --> 00:05:07,595
A lousy ten mil in stock options
and a golden parachute.

128
00:05:07,596 --> 00:05:09,597
In my experience,
anytime anyone offers you

129
00:05:09,598 --> 00:05:11,399
a golden anything,

130
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,467
you say no.

131
00:05:12,468 --> 00:05:13,601
I'm Babs Brando.

132
00:05:13,602 --> 00:05:15,470
I was supposed to start work
here today.

133
00:05:15,471 --> 00:05:16,704
Ouch.

134
00:05:16,705 --> 00:05:18,006
You don't understand.

135
00:05:18,007 --> 00:05:20,708
I spent every last penny
to get here.

136
00:05:20,709 --> 00:05:21,876
I finally thought I had a job

137
00:05:21,877 --> 00:05:23,945
where I didn't have to work
the pole.

138
00:05:32,788 --> 00:05:34,088
Oh, look.

139
00:05:34,089 --> 00:05:36,391
I got a friend at an accounting
firm in town.

140
00:05:36,392 --> 00:05:37,458
Thanks.

141
00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:38,826
You know, a sleazier guy
would have tried

142
00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:40,094
to take advantage of me.

143
00:05:40,095 --> 00:05:42,030
Oh! I could've taken
advantage of you?

144
00:05:42,031 --> 00:05:43,565
Boy, did I misread that one!

145
00:05:43,566 --> 00:05:44,966
No wonder this bank went under.

146
00:05:44,967 --> 00:05:46,834
All right, let's wet up.

147
00:05:47,836 --> 00:05:49,504
Locals only, pussy.

148
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,541
- Who are those dirtballs?
- Shh.

149
00:05:53,542 --> 00:05:54,542
Keep it down, bro.

150
00:05:54,543 --> 00:05:56,177
That's turk and his crew.

151
00:05:56,178 --> 00:05:58,613
Trust me, you want to stay
under their radar.

152
00:05:58,614 --> 00:05:59,847
There she is again.

153
00:05:59,848 --> 00:06:02,550
Girls around here
dig surfers, right?

154
00:06:02,551 --> 00:06:05,119
Well, I'm gonna show her
what a badass I am.

155
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,654
Watch this awesomeness.

156
00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:08,623
Hee-yaaaa... oof!

157
00:06:11,694 --> 00:06:12,827
Ugh!

158
00:06:15,130 --> 00:06:16,664
Oh.

159
00:06:16,665 --> 00:06:19,033
You kooks are dead.

160
00:06:20,402 --> 00:06:22,136
I couldn't have possibly made
a worse impression.

161
00:06:23,505 --> 00:06:25,440
Look, ma'am, it's illegal
to go topless

162
00:06:25,441 --> 00:06:26,441
at the beach.

163
00:06:26,442 --> 00:06:27,775
Oh, officer, I'm afraid you...

164
00:06:27,776 --> 00:06:30,011
ma'am, tell your
hippie boyfriend to zip it,

165
00:06:30,012 --> 00:06:31,713
or you're both going downtown.

166
00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,289
- Hello?
- Oh, man, are you ready?

167
00:06:41,290 --> 00:06:42,490
You've never been
to this school.

168
00:06:42,491 --> 00:06:45,293
So every girl is like
two new boobs to you.

169
00:06:45,294 --> 00:06:47,795
New boobs? Oh, my god!
I'm on my way!

170
00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:54,202
Good morning, ladies.

171
00:06:54,203 --> 00:06:55,436
"Who is that new stud

172
00:06:55,437 --> 00:06:56,571
at school, Jeena?"

173
00:06:56,572 --> 00:06:57,705
"I don't know, Brianna,

174
00:06:57,706 --> 00:07:00,074
but I'm gonna get me
some of that."

175
00:07:00,075 --> 00:07:03,878
Ladies, I can hear you.

176
00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:05,380
I'm fat.

177
00:07:07,416 --> 00:07:08,416
Like any school,

178
00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:09,684
playa has your basic cliques.

179
00:07:09,685 --> 00:07:10,785
'Sup, Woodie.

180
00:07:10,786 --> 00:07:11,853
Hey, Woodie.

181
00:07:11,854 --> 00:07:14,789
Greetings, Woodford.

182
00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:16,124
Oh, no! Gleeks!

183
00:07:29,838 --> 00:07:30,872
Check it out.

184
00:07:30,873 --> 00:07:32,407
My first celebrity sighting.

185
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:36,077
That's Milan Stone,
the star of mtv's <i>16 and bitchy.</i>

186
00:07:36,078 --> 00:07:38,012
You call these double DS?

187
00:07:38,013 --> 00:07:39,113
Ugh.
Agh!

188
00:07:39,114 --> 00:07:40,481
Oh, my god,
this is the first time

189
00:07:40,482 --> 00:07:42,417
I've ever met a celebrity
that I spanked it to.

190
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,218
What do I do?
What do I say?

191
00:07:44,219 --> 00:07:45,486
Hey, sis.

192
00:07:45,487 --> 00:07:47,689
- Sis?
- 'Sup, "Koontz" twins.

193
00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:48,890
It's "Kuntz".

194
00:07:48,891 --> 00:07:51,459
Woodie! You have a friend?
Incredible.

195
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:53,728
This brings the total
to, what, one?

196
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:59,300
Well, he's fat enough
to make it 1 and 1/2.

197
00:07:59,301 --> 00:08:00,468
Hilarious.

198
00:08:00,469 --> 00:08:01,669
Ms. Stone, I'm your biggest...

199
00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:03,104
shut up, white precious.

200
00:08:03,105 --> 00:08:05,073
W... White precious?

201
00:08:05,074 --> 00:08:07,008
If either of you, like,
get within 15 feet of me,

202
00:08:07,009 --> 00:08:10,211
I will tase your ass.

203
00:08:10,212 --> 00:08:12,747
Ah, she's even nicer in person.

204
00:08:12,748 --> 00:08:14,349
Ack!

205
00:08:15,851 --> 00:08:16,851
Oh, there she is.

206
00:08:16,852 --> 00:08:17,885
I wasn't gonna tell you,

207
00:08:17,886 --> 00:08:19,354
but last night I had a dream

208
00:08:19,355 --> 00:08:21,322
that involved a bottle
of lavender body butter,

209
00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:23,024
the backseat
of a purple PT Cruiser,

210
00:08:23,025 --> 00:08:24,959
and Jeena's downstairs area.

211
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,427
Very cool.

212
00:08:26,428 --> 00:08:27,528
Very sexual.

213
00:08:27,529 --> 00:08:28,863
I know, right?
She's perfect for me.

214
00:08:28,864 --> 00:08:29,931
Check it out.

215
00:08:29,932 --> 00:08:31,399
She's wearing sneakers.

216
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,667
I'm wearing sneakers.

217
00:08:32,668 --> 00:08:34,068
She's listening to music.

218
00:08:34,069 --> 00:08:35,570
I love music!

219
00:08:35,571 --> 00:08:37,171
And her t-shirt
says "free Tibet".

220
00:08:37,172 --> 00:08:38,406
What was I telling you
this morning?

221
00:08:38,407 --> 00:08:39,874
That more stuff should be free.

222
00:08:39,875 --> 00:08:41,109
It's meant to be!

223
00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:42,443
Go talk to her, man.

224
00:08:42,444 --> 00:08:43,511
Ahem.

225
00:08:43,512 --> 00:08:44,979
Hi, I'm Mondo.

226
00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:47,281
I'm new to town,
as you can probably tell.

227
00:08:47,282 --> 00:08:49,584
I'm one of those offbeat,
good-looking men.

228
00:08:49,585 --> 00:08:50,618
Hi.

229
00:08:50,619 --> 00:08:52,520
Hi, I beat off
good-looking men.

230
00:08:52,521 --> 00:08:55,289
It looks like
we have something in common.

231
00:08:56,558 --> 00:08:58,860
Whoa, kook, you just crossed
into Turkistan,

232
00:08:58,861 --> 00:09:01,262
where trespassing
is a punishable offense.

233
00:09:01,263 --> 00:09:03,464
I'm about to launch
a dork-seeking fist missile.

234
00:09:03,465 --> 00:09:04,565
Oh, Turk.

235
00:09:04,566 --> 00:09:06,267
What did I tell you?

236
00:09:06,268 --> 00:09:07,535
Books don't cause cancer.

237
00:09:07,536 --> 00:09:08,836
Target acquired!

238
00:09:08,837 --> 00:09:10,605
No, the other thing.

239
00:09:10,606 --> 00:09:12,640
Oh, if I don't stop
pummeling dweebs,

240
00:09:12,641 --> 00:09:14,542
I'll never get with you.

241
00:09:14,543 --> 00:09:15,843
Oh, don't be so bummed.

242
00:09:15,844 --> 00:09:17,712
This is the longest
a new kid's ever gone

243
00:09:17,713 --> 00:09:19,280
without a wedgie
at this school.

244
00:09:19,281 --> 00:09:21,349
- Agh!
- 11 minutes!

245
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,151
What is that?

246
00:09:24,453 --> 00:09:27,088
Wipe those horny smiles
off your pimply faces.

247
00:09:27,089 --> 00:09:28,923
This is human sexuality.

248
00:09:28,924 --> 00:09:30,992
Before you think that this is
all fun and games

249
00:09:30,993 --> 00:09:32,393
and hot Carls...

250
00:09:32,394 --> 00:09:33,828
Yes, please.

251
00:09:33,829 --> 00:09:36,798
Wadska, settle down,
or I'll send you to detention.

252
00:09:36,799 --> 00:09:38,166
Ms. Teets,
I think you should know

253
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:39,267
that although this is
an institution

254
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:41,068
paid for by U.S. tax dollars,

255
00:09:41,069 --> 00:09:43,371
I am unfit for captivity
within its walls.

256
00:09:43,372 --> 00:09:45,573
I am not programmed
for public education.

257
00:09:45,574 --> 00:09:47,008
Well, it seems like
you are programmed

258
00:09:47,009 --> 00:09:48,776
for vandalizing the marquis

259
00:09:48,777 --> 00:09:50,645
with filthy shenanigans.

260
00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:52,280
Mm, freedom of expression!

261
00:09:52,281 --> 00:09:53,848
My culture of poetry
is being shot down

262
00:09:53,849 --> 00:09:54,949
by character assassins.

263
00:09:54,950 --> 00:09:56,184
An uprising is in order!

264
00:09:56,185 --> 00:09:57,452
Sorry, Ms. Teets.

265
00:09:57,453 --> 00:09:59,020
Our parents have him
on new meds.

266
00:09:59,021 --> 00:10:00,288
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

267
00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:01,689
That's Jeena's brother?

268
00:10:01,690 --> 00:10:03,324
Woodford.
New child.

269
00:10:03,325 --> 00:10:05,326
Quit your Jibber Jabbers, now!

270
00:10:05,327 --> 00:10:07,361
Hmm, you're a portly one,
aren't you?

271
00:10:07,362 --> 00:10:08,496
Don't worry.

272
00:10:08,497 --> 00:10:09,997
You'll grow into your frame.

273
00:10:09,998 --> 00:10:11,265
I did.

274
00:10:12,668 --> 00:10:15,069
Now, today's lesson is
about something

275
00:10:15,070 --> 00:10:16,504
that threatens us all:

276
00:10:16,505 --> 00:10:19,040
Sexually transmitted diseases.

277
00:10:19,041 --> 00:10:21,342
So please put on
your 3-d glasses.

278
00:10:22,778 --> 00:10:24,245
<i>Std in 3-d.</i>

279
00:10:26,348 --> 00:10:30,852
Old Foe, we meet again.

280
00:10:30,853 --> 00:10:32,620
So how do I know
what kind of board I need?

281
00:10:32,621 --> 00:10:35,256
Picking a board isn't like
picking a girlfriend.

282
00:10:35,257 --> 00:10:37,091
You have to be choosy.

283
00:10:37,092 --> 00:10:38,226
You have to let it come to you.

284
00:10:38,227 --> 00:10:39,594
Like Harry Potter
choosing his wand?

285
00:10:39,595 --> 00:10:42,096
Or the Na'vi choosing their
Ikran in <i>Avatar?</i>

286
00:10:42,097 --> 00:10:43,331
Yeah, just like that.

287
00:10:43,332 --> 00:10:44,432
Except cool.

288
00:10:44,433 --> 00:10:46,367
Hmm, how 'bout this one?

289
00:10:48,937 --> 00:10:50,638
Ow!

290
00:10:54,476 --> 00:10:56,511
This is my board.

291
00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:59,447
- Are you sure?
- This is my board!

292
00:10:59,448 --> 00:11:01,182
Maybe it's not my board.

293
00:11:01,183 --> 00:11:02,850
Here, $100.

294
00:11:02,851 --> 00:11:04,085
I don't know.

295
00:11:04,086 --> 00:11:06,153
My mom told me
to only use the credit card

296
00:11:06,154 --> 00:11:07,588
for emergencies.

297
00:11:07,589 --> 00:11:08,656
We're in California.

298
00:11:08,657 --> 00:11:12,159
Not having a surfboard
is an emergency.

299
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,794
All right, you got your board,
and you're ready to hit...

300
00:11:13,795 --> 00:11:15,263
hey, gimme that.

301
00:11:17,399 --> 00:11:20,334
Much better.

302
00:11:22,304 --> 00:11:23,938
It says you've been
a cocktail waitress,

303
00:11:23,939 --> 00:11:26,541
a hooters waitress,
a coyote ugly waitress...

304
00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:27,608
well, in my defense,

305
00:11:27,609 --> 00:11:28,843
waitressing was
a hell of a lot better

306
00:11:28,844 --> 00:11:30,645
than making a living
on my knees.

307
00:11:39,021 --> 00:11:41,122
I don't know if this
is a good idea.

308
00:11:41,123 --> 00:11:42,456
I'm holding a dick board.

309
00:11:42,457 --> 00:11:46,394
A dick board, Woodie.

310
00:11:46,395 --> 00:11:47,495
Trust me.

311
00:11:47,496 --> 00:11:48,963
Just one wave,
and all your troubles

312
00:11:48,964 --> 00:11:50,431
will disappear.

313
00:11:50,432 --> 00:11:52,433
Eat it, losers!

314
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:54,702
Ha, ha!
Yo, Jeena.

315
00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:56,237
What's up, baby?

316
00:11:56,238 --> 00:11:58,239
- Hey, Turk.
- Okay.

317
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,640
It's surf time.

318
00:11:59,641 --> 00:12:02,143
Time for the surfing
to commence.

319
00:12:02,144 --> 00:12:03,244
Um, what are we supposed to say

320
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,245
when we wanna surf?

321
00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:06,447
Boostamuucha!

322
00:12:12,087 --> 00:12:14,055
Woo-hoo!

323
00:12:16,625 --> 00:12:17,758
Heads up, newbie.

324
00:12:21,663 --> 00:12:22,663
Ugh!

325
00:12:22,664 --> 00:12:24,365
That is it, blue crush.

326
00:12:24,366 --> 00:12:25,433
You're dead.

327
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:26,434
- Ahem.
- Huh?

328
00:12:26,435 --> 00:12:27,935
Oh.

329
00:12:27,936 --> 00:12:29,737
You're lucky I'm more horny
than angry.

330
00:12:29,738 --> 00:12:31,038
I'm gonna let you live.

331
00:12:31,039 --> 00:12:32,740
But you're banned
from surfing this beach

332
00:12:32,741 --> 00:12:34,141
ever again.

333
00:12:34,142 --> 00:12:36,177
Hey, Turk, come on, man.
He's local.

334
00:12:36,178 --> 00:12:38,446
- You're banned, too.
- Noooo!

335
00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:39,847
This is a public beach.

336
00:12:39,848 --> 00:12:41,716
You can't ban people
from surfing.

337
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:42,850
Mondo, shut up.

338
00:12:42,851 --> 00:12:43,851
I'll tell you what.

339
00:12:43,852 --> 00:12:45,486
You survive baby beach,

340
00:12:45,487 --> 00:12:47,254
and I'll let you two surf here.

341
00:12:47,255 --> 00:12:49,323
Baby beach?
That sounds easy enough.

342
00:12:49,324 --> 00:12:50,725
Where is it?

343
00:12:52,327 --> 00:12:53,761
Used to be called
jagged death rocks.

344
00:12:53,762 --> 00:12:56,097
Chamber of commerce thought
it was bad for tourism.

345
00:12:56,098 --> 00:12:57,331
We should probably
change it back.

346
00:12:57,332 --> 00:12:58,699
Could've saved a lot of lives.

347
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,801
You got 'til 4:00 tomorrow.

348
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:02,236
High tide.

349
00:13:03,372 --> 00:13:05,006
My dick board!

350
00:13:06,675 --> 00:13:08,609
- I-if I back out,
you think I might still have

351
00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:09,610
a chance with Jeena?

352
00:13:09,611 --> 00:13:10,878
Oh, sure.

353
00:13:10,879 --> 00:13:12,613
Women always prefer
the sensible, stable coward

354
00:13:12,614 --> 00:13:14,548
to the fearless,
sexy risk-taker.

355
00:13:14,549 --> 00:13:17,351
Gentlemen,
forgive my tardiness.

356
00:13:17,352 --> 00:13:18,486
Now, I've taken the liberty
of preparing

357
00:13:18,487 --> 00:13:20,488
a computer simulation
of baby beach.

358
00:13:20,489 --> 00:13:21,922
Hey, it's little Mondo.

359
00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:23,324
But I just used the body
of a pregnant woman

360
00:13:23,325 --> 00:13:24,692
and added Justin Bieber's head.

361
00:13:24,693 --> 00:13:26,160
Okay, you drop in at the end
of the pier.

362
00:13:26,161 --> 00:13:28,062
From here it's up to you
to make it out alive.

363
00:13:28,063 --> 00:13:29,230
Your best bet is to go left,

364
00:13:29,231 --> 00:13:30,631
surf between the first three
rows of rocks,

365
00:13:30,632 --> 00:13:32,433
and your exit will have to be
through Miley's hole,

366
00:13:32,434 --> 00:13:34,001
so named because it's never been
penetrated

367
00:13:34,002 --> 00:13:35,536
by man nor Jonas.

368
00:13:36,738 --> 00:13:38,372
- Are you hyperventilating?
- A little bit.

369
00:13:38,373 --> 00:13:39,907
I think this bag had
a hamburger in it,

370
00:13:39,908 --> 00:13:40,941
and I like the smell.

371
00:13:40,942 --> 00:13:42,143
Are you really gonna surf it?

372
00:13:42,144 --> 00:13:43,177
I don't know.

373
00:13:43,178 --> 00:13:44,178
One minute I think I should.

374
00:13:44,179 --> 00:13:45,680
The next minute I think
about boobs.

375
00:13:45,681 --> 00:13:47,081
Then the next minute,
I think I shouldn't.

376
00:13:47,082 --> 00:13:49,517
Okay, your problem is
that your head

377
00:13:49,518 --> 00:13:50,685
is all over the place.

378
00:13:50,686 --> 00:13:52,887
You need to relax
and get your mind right

379
00:13:52,888 --> 00:13:54,955
so you can figure out
what you want to do.

380
00:13:54,956 --> 00:13:57,091
How am I supposed to do that?

381
00:13:57,092 --> 00:13:58,259
Lonnie's van.

382
00:14:01,730 --> 00:14:03,731
I need a drink.

383
00:14:10,839 --> 00:14:12,073
Seat yourself, darling.

384
00:14:12,074 --> 00:14:13,374
I've got my hands full.

385
00:14:13,375 --> 00:14:15,409
- Thanks.
- Oof!

386
00:14:17,779 --> 00:14:21,115
Table five!
Go, go!

387
00:14:22,718 --> 00:14:23,951
Hey, Lonnie.

388
00:14:23,952 --> 00:14:25,920
You ever found yourself faced
with a tough,

389
00:14:25,921 --> 00:14:28,155
potentially life-ending
decision?

390
00:14:28,156 --> 00:14:29,690
Yeah, man.

391
00:14:29,691 --> 00:14:33,394
It was the third
and final month of desert storm.

392
00:14:33,395 --> 00:14:35,229
Oil fires raged.

393
00:14:35,230 --> 00:14:38,566
The skies were black at noon.

394
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:40,868
Three clicks north
of Kuwait city,

395
00:14:40,869 --> 00:14:43,571
I got separated
from my platoon.

396
00:14:43,572 --> 00:14:44,839
What did you do?

397
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,607
I freaked the eff out!

398
00:14:46,608 --> 00:14:49,043
I was in a mental hospital
for three years.

399
00:14:49,044 --> 00:14:51,946
How the hell do you think
I ended up living in a van?

400
00:14:51,947 --> 00:14:54,415
Ah-ha! I can still smell
the hummus!

401
00:14:54,416 --> 00:14:55,516
Ah-ha!

402
00:14:55,517 --> 00:14:57,618
You guys want some pita?

403
00:14:57,619 --> 00:15:00,588
Are you still worried
about surfing baby beach?

404
00:15:00,589 --> 00:15:02,156
What beach?
I'm totally chill.

405
00:15:02,157 --> 00:15:03,390
<i>I'm totally freaked!</i>

406
00:15:03,391 --> 00:15:04,492
I'm totally hungry.

407
00:15:04,493 --> 00:15:06,327
Your nose looks like a penis.

408
00:15:06,328 --> 00:15:09,029
This van's awesome.

409
00:15:10,499 --> 00:15:13,901
Hmm, you like my trophies,
dahling?

410
00:15:13,902 --> 00:15:17,238
You one special wahini,
Babs Brando.

411
00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:19,540
You have been born
with a special gift

412
00:15:19,541 --> 00:15:20,941
for waiting tables,

413
00:15:20,942 --> 00:15:23,410
and you must share dat gift
with the world.

414
00:15:23,411 --> 00:15:24,512
Thanks, Tang.

415
00:15:24,513 --> 00:15:26,814
But I came out here
for a career.

416
00:15:26,815 --> 00:15:29,583
One where I didn't have to work
on my back for once.

417
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:37,224
Sometimes when life gives you
rotten papaya...

418
00:15:37,225 --> 00:15:38,526
you make papaya-ade?

419
00:15:38,527 --> 00:15:41,362
No, you mix it with cheap rum,
add a cocktail umbrella,

420
00:15:41,363 --> 00:15:43,998
and you sell it
to sunburned rubes for $9.

421
00:15:43,999 --> 00:15:45,599
What the hell is papaya-ade?

422
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,635
Look, you're gonna have to learn
dese tings

423
00:15:47,636 --> 00:15:48,769
if you're gonna work here.

424
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:50,171
I don't know.

425
00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:53,440
- Ow!
- Ooh!

426
00:15:55,410 --> 00:15:57,311
I'll take it.

427
00:15:57,312 --> 00:15:59,413
Here's your uniform.

428
00:15:59,414 --> 00:16:01,916
Here, I found a dead sea lion.

429
00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,976
Let's dump him in the water
and see where he goes.

430
00:16:04,058 --> 00:16:04,559
Why?

431
00:16:04,568 --> 00:16:05,868
He'll take the path
of least resistance,

432
00:16:05,869 --> 00:16:07,336
that's the one
you want to take.

433
00:16:07,337 --> 00:16:08,804
Where did you get
a dead sea lion?

434
00:16:13,710 --> 00:16:14,944
Okay.

435
00:16:14,945 --> 00:16:16,345
We've learned something here.

436
00:16:16,346 --> 00:16:18,013
Those sharks are hungry.

437
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,416
Oh, crap, it's high tide.
I got...

438
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:21,450
I gotta get out of here.

439
00:16:21,451 --> 00:16:23,385
Wussing out?
Wuss.

440
00:16:23,386 --> 00:16:25,421
No, I'd love to surf this.

441
00:16:25,422 --> 00:16:29,024
But I don't have a surfboard,
thanks to <i>somebody.</i>

442
00:16:29,025 --> 00:16:30,492
So, you know,
maybe another day.

443
00:16:30,493 --> 00:16:31,660
Mondo!

444
00:16:31,661 --> 00:16:32,695
Here.

445
00:16:32,696 --> 00:16:34,330
You've been a real bro to me.

446
00:16:34,331 --> 00:16:36,465
And I've never had
a bro before.

447
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:38,667
I've always been
kind of a loner.

448
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:41,904
But it's been fun
being loners together.

449
00:16:41,905 --> 00:16:43,205
Wow, thanks, man.

450
00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:45,608
Woodie, this means a lot to me.

451
00:16:45,609 --> 00:16:46,609
It's nothing.

452
00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:48,477
But your timing sucks.

453
00:16:48,478 --> 00:16:51,113
Baby beach, baby beach.

454
00:16:51,114 --> 00:16:54,950
Baby beach, baby beach.

455
00:16:54,951 --> 00:16:56,452
Gimme that board.

456
00:16:56,453 --> 00:16:58,153
I got us into this mess.

457
00:16:58,154 --> 00:16:59,488
I'm gonna get us out.

458
00:16:59,489 --> 00:17:01,891
I came to this town
to make a name for myself,

459
00:17:01,892 --> 00:17:03,959
and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

460
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,794
Even if I die,

461
00:17:05,795 --> 00:17:09,732
at least the love of my life
will remember my name forever.

462
00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,734
Be careful, Mongo.

463
00:17:11,735 --> 00:17:14,236
Close enough.

464
00:17:14,237 --> 00:17:15,838
Wait.

465
00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:17,106
Good luck.

466
00:17:21,378 --> 00:17:22,645
Wrong way!

467
00:17:31,021 --> 00:17:32,054
Ohhh!

468
00:17:37,694 --> 00:17:39,595
- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

469
00:17:45,001 --> 00:17:46,302
Whoa.

470
00:17:46,303 --> 00:17:48,737
This is how legends are born.

471
00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:49,738
Mm.

472
00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:52,274
This is... hm.

473
00:17:57,514 --> 00:17:59,982
Miley's hole!

474
00:17:59,983 --> 00:18:01,850
Huh?

475
00:18:01,851 --> 00:18:03,419
Balls!

476
00:18:03,420 --> 00:18:05,554
Oof!

477
00:18:19,602 --> 00:18:20,636
Mm.

478
00:18:20,637 --> 00:18:22,905
Wha?

479
00:18:22,906 --> 00:18:25,240
Mmmm.

480
00:18:25,241 --> 00:18:27,743
Mondo, Mondo.

481
00:18:29,145 --> 00:18:30,412
You're alive.

482
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,114
Wha... what happened?

483
00:18:32,115 --> 00:18:34,249
You ate it
on that monster wave.

484
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,596
Then you french kissed Lonnie
for, like, four minutes.

485
00:18:36,599 --> 00:18:38,767
Oh, god!

486
00:18:39,999 --> 00:18:42,000
Ah, but the badass news, yo,

487
00:18:42,001 --> 00:18:44,569
is at least your reproductive
organs remain functional.

488
00:18:44,570 --> 00:18:46,371
Mondo has a boner.

489
00:18:46,372 --> 00:18:47,639
That's not what it looks like.

490
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,674
Well, it is.

491
00:18:48,675 --> 00:18:50,042
But it's not because Lonnie

492
00:18:50,043 --> 00:18:52,477
stuck his tongue
down my throat.

493
00:18:52,478 --> 00:18:54,846
Dude, I can't believe
how hard you ate it.

494
00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:56,281
- Turk.
- Oh.

495
00:18:56,282 --> 00:18:58,984
And you're officially un-banned
from my beach.

496
00:18:58,985 --> 00:19:01,053
You were incredible out there.

497
00:19:01,054 --> 00:19:02,154
And I don't know what it is,

498
00:19:02,155 --> 00:19:03,689
but something about you

499
00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:05,757
has a calming effect on me.

500
00:19:05,758 --> 00:19:09,161
Aw, dude, she's sucked in
by the chesticles.

501
00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:12,560
So, Jeena,
can I ask you something?

502
00:19:12,632 --> 00:19:15,834
Do you maybe, you know,
one time wanna...

503
00:19:15,835 --> 00:19:17,836
um, what do you think

504
00:19:17,837 --> 00:19:19,604
of lavender body butter?

505
00:19:19,605 --> 00:19:21,773
Oh, I use it
to moisturize my thighs.

506
00:19:21,774 --> 00:19:22,941
See you in class, Mondo.

507
00:19:22,942 --> 00:19:24,910
Sucker!

508
00:19:26,179 --> 00:19:27,479
She knows your name.

509
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,381
Step one, dude.

510
00:19:29,382 --> 00:19:32,651
Come on, let's go surfing.

511
00:19:32,652 --> 00:19:34,886
Boostamuucha!

512
00:19:36,889 --> 00:19:39,024
Everyone was gathered
around me,

513
00:19:39,025 --> 00:19:40,425
and even turk gave me respect.

514
00:19:40,426 --> 00:19:41,493
Kind of.

515
00:19:41,494 --> 00:19:42,427
That's great, honey.

516
00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:44,830
I'm glad you're liking it here.

517
00:19:46,399 --> 00:19:47,399
Wahhh!

518
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,533
Oof.

519
00:19:48,534 --> 00:19:49,835
I was looking for my frisbee.

520
00:19:49,836 --> 00:19:52,237
That one?

521
00:19:52,238 --> 00:19:53,205
Um, yeah.

522
00:19:53,206 --> 00:19:54,473
I'll fix another plate.

523
00:19:54,474 --> 00:19:56,041
So, Ms. Brando,

524
00:19:56,042 --> 00:19:57,509
Mondo says you're working
at tiki taco.

525
00:19:57,510 --> 00:19:58,510
How do you like it?

526
00:19:58,511 --> 00:19:59,778
It's all right.

527
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:01,246
I'm just grateful
that I don't have to be

528
00:20:01,247 --> 00:20:02,247
a hooker anymore.

529
00:20:08,454 --> 00:20:11,957
So is california everything
you thought it'd be?

530
00:20:11,958 --> 00:20:13,058
No.

531
00:20:13,059 --> 00:20:14,059
It's better.

532
00:20:14,060 --> 00:20:15,360
Mondo, look!

533
00:20:15,361 --> 00:20:18,330
The boob solar cycle
is nearly complete.

534
00:20:18,331 --> 00:20:20,766
As they prepare
to re-hook their bikini tops...

535
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:21,867
screw this.

536
00:20:21,868 --> 00:20:24,236
Let's do it Jersey style.

537
00:20:24,237 --> 00:20:25,804
Huh!
It's a rat!

538
00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:30,542
And the student
has become the master.

539
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:35,867
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